If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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