Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
