he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
