All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
