Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
