Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
