Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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