I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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