just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
