No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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