I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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