The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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