please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
birth control should be required to get into college
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
