"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
