new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
