There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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