i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
