What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
