What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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