so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
