So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
