I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
