We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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