Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
