"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
