I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
