p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need a burrito and a hug.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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