can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize