I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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