I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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