I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
