my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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