so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
