Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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