So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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