if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i was born a porn star she said
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
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