the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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