Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
