my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
