i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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