so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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