Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
