Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
