I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
