So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we're making bets on your personal life
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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