you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
