I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
