remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
