When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Operation Purity has been aborted
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
