I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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