gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Green mimosas i think yes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
